What’s gone
A departure from my usual format, because sometimes you need to write a list of all the things you've loved and lost.
Here are some things I miss:
Walking around London with the kind of confidence that comes from either 1) knowing exactly who you are or 2) having just received nothing but glowing feedback at a group crit.
Swimming in warm waters.
Swimming in the local pool where I'd befriended the older swimmers and the instructors there.
People I shared a flat with in my first year of uni.
People whose love felt permanent until it wasn't.
People I romanticized when they were just looking for a bit of warmth and attention.
The person who baby sat me when, well…. I was a cute baby. I WAS cute and I have proof.
Writing without the fucking temptation to let AI improve it all.
Rome. It’s not true that all roads lead to it; I have walked many roads.
Peckham, Woolwich, Clapton(!), Putney, Hammersmith, South Bermondsey, Eltham, Brentford. Not Fulham—I hate Fulham with every fibre of my being.
Liverpool. There’s no place like it. I will be back, I promise.
Pofi. Where some dreams are born and some go to die. Google this place, here’s a riddle for you.
Table tennis matches (which I'd always lose) being how we spent PE hours.
Being trusted to play goalkeeper or defender in our 'big' high school football tournament. Even though I had zero football skills or ability to aim a pass, let alone any affinity with the football bro culture. Have you met me??
My second-year Curatorial Studies lecturer.
Habbo Hotel.
My sister's copy of The Sims 2.
That first wind-whipped encounter with the Channel after walking up East Cliff.
That impossibly vast Hungarian sky a few summers ago.
My very own copy of Taz: Wanted, which I never finished because I was too busy destroying everything in the game. I just wanted to smash things and frolic instead of accomplishing goals that would have helped move further in the game. A perfect metaphor for how I’ve moved through life so far.
That moment when a night out somehow turns strangers into friends.
The joy (post-pain) and that raw authenticity that followed coming out of the closet.
The first time saying “yaaaaas” out loud.
My first time walking into G.A.Y. An institution.
Chatting with the locals in gay saunas.
Life before social media stole 99% of my attention.
Life before this brick of metal, glue and glass I call my phone became my second brain.
The screeching yet incredibly satisfying sound of a computer connecting to dial-up.
Pimpa. The family dog who absorbed the same dysfunctional patterns I did growing up.
Rita, the cat I loved and cared for growing up (she wasn't actually “mine”—Rita loved everyone along our street who fed her, but that doesn't make for good poetry)
Playing guitar. Or better, the feeling of coming home with a deep, unspeakable desire—to express yourself, get lost in the act of doing, or soothe frustration/sadness/pain—and to have the skills to fulfil that desire by playing an instrument.
Playing in bands simply for the sake of playing together..
My guitar teacher.
Friends from my hometown.
Friends from school.
Seaside friends.
The friends I made music with.
First and second cousins I grew up close to.
Every fleeting soul who left an indelible mark.
Walks with my sister. And her dog.
Mum's cooking, especially her artichokes.
Nan's cooking, especially her cannelloni and bread soup.
Coming home from school on a Saturday. Dad cooking lunch. Pasta all'arrabbiata. A ritual that marked five years of my adolescence.
The ability to express myself without resorting to lists.
Thinking I knew it all.
🕯️
Things that happened recently
I made an infinite poem. No not this one, a TRULY infinite poem.
I updated my personal website. Thinking I should add a page to it to collect all the art and silly stuff I’ve made over the years.
I've started exchanging postcards with one of my friends as a way of keeping in touch outside of social media and messaging apps. Let me know if you'd like me to send you a postcard (in exchange for a postcard 🌤️✒️).
I painted a coffin the size of my hand.
Wrote about sustainable web design and relatable writing in my other newsletter. Yes, I have another newsletter—because apparently I like deadlines and responsibilities?
Added new blocks on Are.na.
Made pizza from scratch for Ben’s birthday.
Spent many evenings thinking about stuff that's gone. People, places and things I miss. Forever unable to articulate any of it. Until now.
Found this old photo I took near Rye while looking through my gallery. It reminds me of a simpler time in my life.
Odd & Wonderful would be nothing without its readers. People like you, who read my sometimes silly, sometimes touching, sometimes useful posts all the way through. A big virtual hug to you! Writing that made me cringe, but I meant well.
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